SPIRITUAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS- Bullying by Clergy

In recent years the awareness of bullying has been heightened because of a couple of students who had the courage to take a stand. However, the sad news is most people seem to think it is limited to the school yard.

Well, I received the shock of my life when I witnessed it taking place in a church setting. The perpetrator was an Ordained Minister.  I was distraught by what I had witnessed, only to learn from two of my colleagues that they had witnessed similar behaviour by this person on previous occasions in other churches. I later learned it was even more wide spread.

In 35 years as a Pastor, many of which I served in leadership roles and with 13 years as a School Board Trustee, I have witnessed the dark side of human nature by people in places of trust.  Nothing in my experience was worse than seeing a person in a place of trust abuse their authority at the expense of those who were vulnerable and to witness the ineffectiveness of those who should have been doing something to protect them.

Unfortunately there are some clergy who dare to abuse their position and hide behind the cloth as some invincible messenger of God, not accountable to anyone. The pretext of 1 Chronicles 16:22 (Saying, “Do not touch my anointed ones, and do my prophets no harm.) is used by too many ministers as a license to abuse authority. Church culture has spawned the notion you cannot question the man or woman of God. This has prepared people to excuse the misconduct of Ministers and have left innocent victims to become casualties.

John Parsons in writing on this offers the following insight, “…the mantra “touch not my anointed”, is sometimes quoted by self- styled leaders as a means of maintaining control over the assembly. In other words this phrase is interpreted (by them) as, “I am not to be criticized, since I am one of God’s anointed ones.”

This is not what the scripture is saying rather, it is an abuse of God’s word to manipulate others. It is effectively used in some churches today. Most church boards are ill equipped to address it, and at a loss of how to deal with complaints of bullying or abuse. One board I know of tried to address such a complaint only to lose control of their investigation to the perpetrator who took charge of the process of investigating the complaint against him. You can guess what the outcome was.

How many are out there suffering in silence? How many junior ministers and staff fear the ramifications if they report? There is a lesson to be learned from the sexual abuse cases in the past that were covered up by church leaders. If that lesson is not learned, bullying may become the biggest cover up of the church in this decade.

Things are not the same as fifty years ago. Times have changed and institutions such as the church must adapt to the changes and learn how to effectively deal with the issues of the day.

Now grant it, bullying as it is defined today occurred fifty years ago but because of the times it went unaddressed. I was bullied as a child by my pastor who was also my music teacher. I was bullied by a teacher and yes I was bullied by the school yard bullies. I was even bullied by a bull, but it wasn’t his fault, I was wearing a bright red sweater. Come to think of it, I was bullied by a girl! (O.K. Kyrsten- I was ugly and my mother dressed me funny and I am slow and I’ll try not to park behind your car again). Back in those days you would not risk reporting a minister or a teacher, they were held in such high regard it was unthinkable to even suggest they could do wrong and time has proven how wrong we were. Concerning the school yard bully, you dare not say anything for fear of being labelled a “sissy”.  However in today’s world it is extremely important to speak out against bullying. It should be reported even at the risk of being called a “sissy” and those who are being bullied deserve to be heard and taken seriously because it is serious and very damaging psychologically. Howbeit, some issues associated with bullying can be more complex.

  Let’s take for an example the case of a child being bullied at school. In this hypothetical case he is a “snitcher” and some of his peers retaliate by bullying him. Both behaviors are wrong and if not corrected will be very damaging over time. The snitcher will grow up to be an adult snitcher. If confronted as an adult for his snitching,  He, will be traumatised  from the memory of being bullied as a child and will perceive the event as being bullied when in reality he is be held accountable for a wrong behaviour that continues to get him into trouble.  Having been bullied in the past he now sees himself as an expert on the subject of bullying and uses his situation to get attention which most likely is associated with his real problem and a need for attention in his childhood. It may come from his parenting or lack of it or it may be a developmental issue. The fact is he has unresolved issues from his past that were not dealt with. The bully(s) from his past were  not dealt with so they continue on from the school yard, to the home, the workplace or even the pulpit ,using their refined bullying skills to try and meet in this inappropriate way a need that have existed in his life as a child. It is somewhat similar to the case of addicts. Addiction is not the real problem, it is just the symptom. Cocaine, alcohol, sex or even food can be the drug of choice to try and meet in an inappropriate way a real need. Until the past is revisited to deal with the presenting problem, it will continue into the future.  Sad to say in both cases; bullying and addictions leave behind a trail of destruction and psychological damage.

I have chosen in particular to take a stand and speak out against bullying in the church by clergy because it is the area that I am most familiar with and I have witnessed it personally. This I must do regardless of the cost. I refuse to bury my head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t happen.  It is my responsibility and yours to raise the awareness of bullying and do everything in our power to try and prevent it from happening. It is not about being judgmental or punitive, (another thing the church is guilty of, but I won’t get into it here). Bullies need help, in most cases they do not realize they are bullies and have become very skilled in covering up their emotional problems.  When a bully is exposed it can be a win- win situation. He or She can be helped and the trail of abuse comes to an end.

It is time for churches of all denominations to become aware of the bullying being carried out by some of its clergy, particularly in churches where there is multiple staff. Policies and procedures need to be put in place to deal with bullying and a zero tolerance stand needs to be taken. Individuals in local leadership should be trained to handle complaints. This would no doubt help to address the problem of bullying in the church.

I ask you will to take a stand and speak out against bullying wherever it occurs.

If you have been a victim of bullying by someone in authority, I would like for you to respond to this blog, it is not necessary to identify yourself, I would just like to get an idea of how wide spread it is. To do so, click the reactions box “cool”, located at the bottom of this blog.

Until next time,

Blessings!

Pastor Harold

SPIRITUAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS- Joy

My wife Dena and me recently relocated to Woodstock NB from Fort McMurray Alberta where I was involved in Professional Counselling. In September we are opening a private practice here. The name of the business is C4Professional Services. (Counselling, Coaching, Consulting, & Contracting.)  I named the Counselling and Coaching aspects of the business, “JOY” Professional Counselling and Life Coaching. Why did I use “Joy” in the name? Read on.

When I ask clients to name three things they would wish for, if their wishes would come true, almost without exception they include happiness or joy. In our busy and challenging fast pace world most people are driven by anxiety and have lost their joy.

I remember when I faced my personal ministry and health crisis in late 2002. Early in 2003 I applied for skills training through HRDC. The counsellor who interviewed me doubted if I would be approved to continue my training in professional counselling but referred me to her superior anyway. During my interview with her she commented, “It is time to put some “joy” back into your life. She approved my training. Since then I went on to complete a diploma in Professional Counselling Practice and completed my Master’s Degree in Religion with a concentration in Christian Counselling and became a Registered Professional Counsellor (RPC). See what a little encouragement, by people who believe in you, can accomplish. These two ladies were among several people who had a positive influence on my life during this difficult time.

For over thirty five years I have been an Ordained Minister. Pastoring church congregations was my primary responsibility. It also included Pastoral Counselling and in my later years of pastoring, involved Professional Counselling. It has become my passion. I dreamed of the day when I could devote my time to it as a second career. Having retired from the pastorate, I am now in the position to live the dream during the sunset years of my ministry life, through Pastor’s INn  Ministries and C4 Professional Services. PTL!

In this post on Spiritual Wellness and Emotional Health, I decided to talk a little bit about the positive and pleasant emotion of “Joy”. In the teaching of Jesus, he refers to it as “happiness” as He outlines the principles of His Kingdom in Matthew’s Gospel, chapter five. He uses the Greek word “Makarios” in our language it translates, “happiness” or “Joy”.  His formula for such a life is found in His response to the religious leaders of his day, recorded by a Tax Collector by the  name of Matthew.  He quoted Jesus, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Now, let me answer the question posed at the beginning of this article. Here is the rationale behind using “JOY” in the name of my Counselling and Coaching practice.

First, it reminds me of the time in my life when God in His providence connected me with people who believed in me and had the power to help restore joy to my life.

Second, my very first professional client was going through a major life crisis which had drained the joy from her life. I journeyed with her during this very difficult time and watched her as she went from the caterpillar stage, into the cocoon and as I write, she is about to stretch her butterfly wings into the freedom of a new identity and life of joy. What a transformation! A testimony to what counselling is all about.

Finally it is an acronym for Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 22:37 ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

J – esus , O – thers, Y – ou.

Your life can be Blessed, by finding joy through a relationship with Jesus, loving relationships with others, and investing your life in helping to put a little joy back into someone else’s life instead of focusing on yourself.

Blessings!

Pastor H

SPIRITUAL WELLNESS AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH - Loneliness.

I heard an interesting story last week. Let me give you my paraphrased version.

“Edna decided to clean out the bird cage using her vacuum cleaner. She gingerly placed the nozzle of the hose at the bottom of the cage. Then the phone rang. After she had instinctively answered it, she noticed “Chirpy” was missing. She immediately hung up and opened the vacuum cleaner. There was “Chirpy” all covered in dust. Quickly she began to shake off the dust and rushed to the bathroom sink and put him under the tap and turned on the cold water. Noticing the bird shaking violently, she took her blow dryer and proceeded to dry him off before returning him to his cage. Later, her friend who had called her earlier, asked about “Chirpy”. Edna replied, “ Chirpy is not the same any more, he just sits there and stares!”

Life circumstances, often take away our song, leaving us traumatized. I have recently been reading Charles Stanley’s book, “The Source of My Strength”.  A dear friend of mine shared with me from this book some timely words of encouragement when I hit a wall in my life’s journey.  I picked up the book recently as I was unpacking and began to casually read it. I got hooked and decided to study it for the benefit of my spiritual wellness and emotional health.  I would like to share with you some of what I gleaned from this book.

Today, I will talk about Loneliness, which maybe the most painful experience in life.  Thousands of people feel abandoned, isolated, ostracized, alone feeling lonely.

Divorce for example is a very traumatizing event that may result in the overwhelming feeling of intense loneliness and isolation from the rest of the world.

The elderly suffer loneliness over what once was. Such loneliness is intensified by the grief of losing a spouse.

For me it was the feeling of abandonment and being ostracized from a recent life experience that filled me with an overriding feeling of loneliness, similar to what retirees often feel when they are cut off from acquaintances and colleagues.

The good news is the transforming, life changing power of Jesus Christ can heal our wounded hearts.

He stated one day in a Jewish Synagogue, “The Spirit of the Lord is on Me. He has put His hand on Me to preach the Good News to poor people. He has sent Me to heal those with a sad heart. He has sent Me to tell those who are being held that they can go free. He has sent Me to make the blind to see and to free those who are held because of trouble." NLT.

David the infamous psalter experienced this truth in his life and wrote,  " I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
³ He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.” NLT.

You may feel traumatized by your life experience; maybe loneliness has taken away your song. Don’t just “sit and stare” patiently seek the Lord’s help.

Charles Stanley in “The Source of My Strength”, p19. Suggests,

“When you are feeling lonely…turn first to the Lord. He would love to spend time with you! Talk to Him about how you are feeling. Ask Him to comfort your heart, and to send a friend your way.”

It worked for me!

Visit my web site www.pastorsinnministries.com  and receive information on services which may help you to heal from your heart wounds. RETREATS are returning in September, email for more information.

Blessings!

Pastor H.

Light In The Darkness

Well, it has been quite some time since my last post. I have gone through a major roller coaster ride since my last entry. My daughter Ruthie made this comment after asking how I was doing. I told her God and  a Lawyer friend of the family are looking after me. She replied: "At least they are two people you can trust."

Lately I am working on upgrading my Website with the help of my son Mike. My son Steven designed a logo for PIM.
I just finished a new design for my business card for the Counselling aspect of PIM.
Currently Dena and I are in Terrace B.C. vacationing. I feel somewhat like Elijah. After spending a couple of days under the juniper tree, I have come to the mountain(s) to hear " the still small voice."  and God is speaking into my heart along the lines he spoke to Elijah.  "There is still a work to be done."

Eighteen months ago I left Moncton by train to travell to Edmonton. From there I picked up my car and drove to Calgary to pick up Dena who had come there by plane to visit with her niece and sisters.We then drove to Fort McMurray to begin an exciting new adventure in ministry. What began with a high ended on a low. Our ministry concluded at the same time we lost our colleagues in ministry, their young son and a friend who was expecting her first child. We haven't completed the grieving of this loss yet. Our extended vacation is helping us to come to terms with all the loss we experienced in April. It is so good to have friends and relatives in times like these.

We anticipate returning to Woodstock, NB our adopted town and province to restart Pastor's Inn Ministries. We started this while pastoring at Bethel Assembly in the Maritime District. We put the Retreat aspect on hold while ministering in Fort McMurray.

As we travel east, into the darkness, in pursuit of the light, we will prove these words to be a reality for us and our ministry,

 “The Lord turns my darkness into light.”2 Samuel 22:29

I am including the Vision and Mission of PIM as well. Please pray for Dena and I as we continue in ministry that the Lord's will be done.

“LIGHT IN THE NIGHT.” 

 “The Lord turns my darkness into light.”2 Samuel 22:29        

Pastor’s INn Ministries

Promoting Spiritual and Emotional Wellness with Comfortable Retreats, Confidential Professional Counselling, Life Coaching & Competent Educational Events and Products.

Vision Statement

To facilitate transformation into spiritual and emotional wholeness, one life at a time.

Mission Statement

Partnering with the Trinity and others for excellence in transforming lives in a safe, confidential and relaxing environment, through comfortable retreats, confidential professional counselling , life coaching, and competent educational events and products.

 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.

Isaiah 61:1-2 NIV.

An individual is transformed into an emotionally healthy spiritual person when, through prayer, the power of the Holy Spirit is released at the intersection of brokenness and biblical meditation.” 

“It is better to meditate than to medicate.”

Blessings!

Pastor Harold

SPIRITUAL & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS- Filtering Your Thoughts Purifies Your Self- Image.

Erin Stinson, in Mirror, Mirror, says: “Other people’s opinions and judgments of me are not what matter and certainly are not what should be shaping my self-image.”

Another powerful influence that contributes to the formation of our self- image is the propaganda in our culture that comes from such mediums as television, movies, magazines and music

Unfortunately we unconsciously buy into the lies that come from hurtful words spoken to us and the propaganda we are fed from our culture and by comparing ourselves with others. This contributes to negative thought patterns which form negative self- talk that can be very damaging to our self-image.

Self-image, according to Stinson, directly relates to our identity. I agree and therefore support the concept of “frisking our thoughts,” based on Philippians 4:8

“Whatever is true, good, pure, lovely, fix your thoughts on these things.”

Everything we read and hear and see ought to be filtered through the lens of the Holy Scriptures. This is also a basic step to discovering our “true self” as opposed to the “false self”, we normally identify with. We will follow this tread in future posts.

In concluding I want to say it was an interesting journeying with Erin in her search for “Christian identity and purpose in a fallen world.” Her book was very insightful and doctrinally sound. I learned a lot from it.

As we come to the end of our journey with her, I will leave with you the following conclusion she makes.

“I no longer have to look in the mirror, wondering who the woman staring back at me is. The apparently great mystery of life is not so difficult to uncover when I listen to God’s voice alone. I have realized anew how shallow and temporary worldly living is and will continue to challenge myself to reject it in order to live as God intended.

The more we focus on God the more we will understand ourselves. Living His way and following his commands is the only way to experience the full life that He has planned for us. Meditating on and studying His Word will help us to gain a deeper understanding of who He is. Instead of looking in the mirror and focusing on all our faults, imperfections, failures and weaknesses, it is time to wipe off all that is preventing us from being who God designed us to be.”

²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. James 1:22-25. NIV.

Until Next Time- Blessings!

Pastor Harold

SPIRITUAL & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS

  

We continue our journey in search of  “Our Christian Identity and Purpose In a Fallen World”.  Mirror, Mirror by Erin Stinson states: “by believing what the world says about who we are we become bound by its rules. When our focus is on our image we lose sight of our identity.”

In the ancient writings, the Apostle Paul writes:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ”

Jesus came to set the prisoners free. He offers freedom to live life to the fullest. One must choose between the pattern of the world and His good, pleasing and perfect will. It is very easy in our culture to be seduced so we must be diligent in resisting the pattern of this world.

Purpose is found in knowing and doing our “Calling” in life. Choice will determine the legacy we will leave behind.

In the dark night of the birth of the Society, Mother Teresa was tempted by the palaces of Loreto, the comforts and good things offered by working within the “Daughters of Ann”. Her calling was to leave the Convent and to help the poor and live among them. She set aside her Catholic habit and donned the simple sari and plain sandals of the Indian people. In 1979 the Society had provided medical services to 4 million people, treated 258,000 lepers and ran 107 slum schools. Her work expanded into many countries.

She found her identity and purpose in a fallen world. Millions are glad she did. She died in 1997 at the  age of 87, knowing the organization she had built from the ground up would continue to quench the thirst of her dear Savior.

What a legacy!

Image fades, identity leads to purpose as we find and fulfill our life’s calling.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2.

Until next time,Blessings!

Pastor Harold.

SPIRITUAL & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS

On my blog we are journeying with Erin Stinson through her book; “Mirror, Mirror.”   We are in search of Christian identity and purpose in a fallen world. I am finding the journey very interesting.

 Comparing our Western Culture with the Bible is very insightful, there are things in our culture that we take for granted, some of which have no Biblical support.

 In this posting I am going to share with you her findings from researching, “Retirement.” In our society we may consider a good education, a good job and a healthy pay cheque as being successful, especially if it leads to an early retirement with a good pension – like “Freedom Fifty Five.” Such things are good, but they do not define Biblical success nor equate with Christian identity and purpose.

The concept of retirement for example has no Biblical reference. For those of us who are so focused on reaching this goal, it may be interesting to hear Erin’s findings on this subject. In researching the history of retirement she learned pensions began as a way to compensate wounded soldiers when they couldn’t work any longer. Then companies began rewarding long time workers with pensions when they turned 65.

 For many in the Western world it has become a sign of freedom. However given the fragile economy of the United States and Canada’s close trading ties with her, we may very well see the day when pensions will once again be for wounded soldiers and eliminated by Companies and Government. This would certainly make retirement less desirable. It is difficult to grasp the concept of retirement without a pension. This cultural event of retiring with a good pension may soon be a thing of the past.

 Our purpose must be more than a career with retirement and a pension as our goals. If your purpose is defined by your career alone, then this rug of “purpose” may be pulled out from you in retirement, without even leaving you with a pension. There is no guarantee retirement and pensions will be included in our future, but as Christians, His purpose is and it doesn’t end at 65.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14.NIV

Erin’s advice is to live in the moment, and embrace each day, let go of the fear of aging, the fear of insignificance and keep our ears and eyes open to God’s plan for our lives. Good counsel.

Until next time- Blessings!

Pastor Harold