SPIRITUAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS- A Healthy Personality.

Dr. Dan Montgomery in his work; Compass Therapy refers to the LAWS of a healthy personality as: Love, Assertion, Weakness and Strength.  When operating in balance there is a rhythm that was perfectly modeled by Jesus. We should strive to follow His model.

 Last time we took a look at Love. In this article we will explore Assertion. Both points need to be in balance for a healthy personality. I agree with Montgomery when he says, “assertion imparts the courage to express one’s point of view, challenge unfairness, and resist exploitation or manipulation.”  This quality is supressed in religious and political circles when a leader in a position of authority views it as a threat to his/her authority.  They place people on a guilt trip by implying that assertiveness demonstrates a lack of love or loyality. This kind of leadership style is used to deny people the opportunity to negotiate for one’s reasonable rights, and to express one’s self. Just ask some of the members of the Federal PC caucus  or former  members of Margaret Thatcher's government.

Montgomery states, “all people experience bouts of anger or discontent, when their interests rub against the wishes of others.”  He suggests that assertion be expressed in tandem with caring or love to raise the probability of successful conflict resolution.  Conflict will remain unresolved where opportunity to express one’s self is denied or if it is expressed without caring. A healthy organism and organization is one with a balance between love and assertion and as we will see later a balance between strength and weakness.

A dependency trend occurs when love is over exaggerated manifested by pleasing and placating. It may also foster a state of depression. On the other hand over exaggerated assertion leads to an aggression trend manifested by blaming and resentment which in the extreme becomes paranoia. So it is unhealthy to be stuck on either one of these points.

People with an aggressive trend according to Montgomery exhibit feelings of bitterness, hatred and spite. If they don’t get their way, they make plans to get even and hold grudges for years. They display a lack of trust and they are famous for abusing others without feeling guilty. Stubbornness and pride are built into the aggressive trend. Their views are always right. They are suspicious of anyone who might teach them something. They are masters of controlling people through anger and take offense over the slightest issue. On the other hand they can be quite charming if it gets them what they want. They see compromise as a sign of weakness therefore they are unwilling to give in even on trivial issues. Montgomery claims if they are religious they serve God by threatening people so they will obey.

I can only imagine the discomfort of working for or living with such a person, not to mention the tyranny that would exist under the leadership of a person stuck on this personality trait.

Next we will explore the tension between the other two points that make up the LAWS of personality- Weakness and Strength, as we complete the profile of a healthy personality.

Until next time

Blessings!

Pastor Harold

SPIRITUAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS: Laws of Personality

In preparation for a retreat at Gander NL in May, I have been reading and researching the subject of “relationships”. These are the three dynamics that I believe affect relationship matters: 1. Personality. 2. Perspective. 3. Protection. Personality is about “being”, (who we are). Perspective is about “seeing”, (our point of view) and Protection is about “doing”, (taking action). In this blog I am writing about who we are, our personality and how it is a factor in our relationships.

Dan Montgomery in his work, Compass Therapy, charts the personality by using four points on a compass. The acronym LAWS is used. L- Love, A- assertion, W- weakness, S- strength.  When all four are in balance it creates a rhythm for a healthy personality. Unlike Jesus of Nazareth, who is the only one who inhabited this earth with a perfect personality, we struggle. We can find ourselves stuck on one or more of the compass points.

Montgomery points out the tension that exists with the “LAWS” of personality. Love verses Assertion, Weakness verses Strength.  One is not better than the other, the key is balance.  For example a person with a healthy personality can be tender and caring as well as diplomatically assertive. S/He can be competent and confidently strong as well as humbly aware of his or her weakness. The degree to which these characteristics or “LAWS” of personality are out of balance determines a person’s maladaptive trends. Taken to the extreme it can result in disorders at best and psychoses at worst.

Let’s take as the first point on the compass- Love.

Love reflects a person’s caring and tenderness as seen in kindness, thoughtfulness, consideration of others, forgiving, compassionate and sacrificing. However, a healthy personality must also include assertion. A person has a need to express one’s point of view, the responsibility to challenge injustice, unfairness, exploitation, manipulation, bullying and the like. Diplomatic assertion preserves reasonable rights, solicits mature coping skills and can contribute to successful conflict resolution.

To be stuck on the love compass point and out of balance with assertion will produce a pleaser pattern.  Montgomery says, “The pleaser pattern exaggerates the need for love and approval at the expense of self-expression”.

The virtues of love can be caring, nurturing and forgiving, but without assertiveness it can turn into a maladaptive trend of dependency exhibited by pleasing and placating. Unaddressed it can result in a dependent histrionic disorder and develop into state of depression .

Next time we will look at " A"-ssertion.

Until next time,

Blessings!

Pastor Harold

SPIRITUAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS: How Pride and Humility can affect your Spiritual Health and Emotional Wellness.

Just as humiliation can hurt the pride of a nation resulting in retaliation or a reaction of defiance, it can have the same effect on an individual. The operative word is pride. The ancient writings or the Christian Bible identifies its origin as well as its consequences. Isaiah records the five “I wills” exercised by Lucifer, more commonly known as the devil, as he rebelled against God. This exercise of his will against God’s will, give us a revelation of pride. Isaiah 14:12-14 KJV.

Webster College Dictionary defines pride as: · spirit of conceit or superior worth (a negative quality) · a spirit of pleasing satisfaction or proper self-worth (a positive quality) In Greek, the word huperephanos means "arrogant, proud or appearing above others." (huper means above, phaino means to appear) . The Apostle Paul presents it as a negative quality in a letter to Timothy. "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy." (2 Timothy 3:2). The antithesis of pride is humility. Leland Beaumont describes humility as: “A quiet and sincere confidence that comes from a realistic appraisal of your stature that recognizes you are doing well, while recognizing your shortcomings. It is an incentive to continue to learn, improve, and do more. Self esteem is aligned with authentic stature and is judged to be satisfactory and with room for improvement within a humble person. Humility reduces our need for self-justification and allows us to admit to and learn from our mistakes.” Peter comments on God’s view on Pride and Humility. “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 1Peter 5:6 (NIV).  Jesus is the epitome of humility. His “kenosis” or self- emptying is captured in Philippians 2:5-11.  There is an important distinction I need to point out between humility and humiliation. There is no pride in humility. However pride is the catalysis for retaliation in humiliation. I like Beaumont’s description of humiliation: “An image change reflecting a decrease in what others believe about your stature. A public humiliation is the result of an insult and is generally painful enough to provoke anger. If you believe the insult is justified, then the humiliation may result in shame rather than anger. Synonyms include losing face, feeling foolish, hurt, and disgraced.”  David prior to becoming the King of Israel, during his wilderness survival, was humiliated by Nabal (his name means “fool”). His pride was hurt to the point he became full of himself and had it not been for the intervention of Nabal’s wife, a wise and beautiful woman named Abigail, the outcome would have been disastrous. Her intervention changed the course of David’s life, the life of Israel and to some degree your life and mine.( You can find the complete story in 1 Samuel 25. I suggest you read it.) I read it recently and reaped the therapeutic benefit of being released from guilt that resulted from my prideful reaction to humiliation from a modern day “Nabal”. Like David I had shown kindness and gracefulness, only to be repaid with a “slap in the face”. My “Nabal” humiliated me by misrepresenting me with his reports about me to his master. Had it not been for intervention by my “Abigail”, a wise and beautiful woman, my ministrycareer would have ended in a disaster. I have an indelible image in my mind; it’s ugly. Thankfully, because of Divine intervention I can now plead; “Not guilty” your Honor, Jesus has removed my guilt. I know I am forgiven and have forgiven my offender. Otherwise this story would have more “punch” and color. In concluding let me give a summary of the negative effects of pride.  It promotes self-righteousness, looks down on others, does not admit wrong, points out the faults of others performs religious deeds before others. Not only does it affect our Spiritual Health and Emotional Wellness it is also detrimental to our physical heath, contributing to high blood pressure, stomach and back problems due to stress.  Humility on the other hand contributes positively to our Spiritual Health and Emotional Wellness. According to Leland Beaumont, “ Humility reinforces self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth. Humility does not seek justification. Humility does not disparage, minimize or marginalize. Humility does not condescend. Humility is free of contempt. Humility is patient and kind. Humility champions and supports the individual. Humility readies the individual for service. Humility empowers with wisdom. Humility gently reveals power through change.” I am so grateful for the Biblical full disclosure of David’s humanity and God’s grace. It gives me hope because the story is not about David or me, the story is about God and our place in it.

Next time I will introduce the LAWS of Personality.

Until next time.

Blessings!

Pastor Harold

SPIRITUAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS - Pride and Humilty Affects Individuals and Nations

 

 

Humility and Pride affects Spiritual Health and Emotional Wellness of individuals and nations.

Have you ever known of someone who presumed to speak on your behalf, conveying a message that you did not give or words you did not say and then to have the audacity to manipulate the words you did say to serve themselves and discredit you?  We would consider such an act to be offensive.  Taking it to a higher level, can you even imagine the ramifications when one offends the name of God by presuming to speak on God’s behalf conveying a message as if God had given them the authority to speak on His behalf when in reality they are using those words to promote their own agenda? God and God’s word are sometimes treated with such frivolity. An attitude of disrespect for the Holy exists in the land and often promoted by politicians, preachers, and others who are, driven by their own selfish agendas in their quest for power and prosperity.

I recently read, “The Harbinger”, by Jonathan Cahn. I found it intriguing and sobering. From a practical perspective it increased my knowledge of American history. Shame on me, but I wasn’t aware that New York City was the first capitol of the United States of America. Nor did I know that Saint Paul’s Chapel on the corner of “Ground Zero”, which survived the collapse of the Twin Towers, was the place where George Washington and Congress worshiped and dedicated the nation to God when the first President of the United States was inaugurated.  I wasn’t even familiar with how “Wall Street” got its name. The spiritual aspect was sobering as I learned about the eerie similarities between Isaiah 9:10-11 and the events and aftermath of September 11, 2001. I encourage you to read, The Harbinger.

Getting back to my opening comments, two high ranking leaders in the United States quoted Isaiah 9:10 in relation to the terrorist attack on the country. While we may have viewed the mention of Scripture by such high ranking politicians as noble, like them, we were blinded by what was really going on. Quoting from the Scripture, making reference to Isaiah 10: 9 as God’s Word, they then used it to try and rally the people to hope in the aftermath of 9/11.and to offer comfort to America. In other words they took the tragedy and God’s word to articulate a message to serve their own purposes. Most people embraced it as a good thing without knowledge of the truth behind it.

May I point out that it is a very dangerous thing to presume to speak on behalf of God a message that is not from him and to offend Him by manipulating it to serve your own agenda. It is one thing to misrepresent man, but it is catastrophic to misrepresent God. It is equally as wrong to mistake a warning from God and its intended purpose as an act of evil.  This lesson can be taken from the lives of the two leaders of the United States of America who gave the historical speeches I previously referred to. Senate Majority Leader Daschle, September 12, 2001 and Presidential candidate John Edwards, September 11, 2004.  Later the two became victims of scandal.

In Isaiah 10:9 the leaders of Israel were responding to a warning by God, which was given to them as an opportunity to repent and turn back to Him. Instead of acting in humility, they stood up in the spirit of defiance and with arrogance and pride, proclaimed that they would overcome in their own strength. This same approach of arrogance pride and defiance was used by the United States used after 911.

Christians who are not grounded in the Word of God may have the same reaction to adversity or tragedy. They blame on the evil what  God intended to use as a warning for them to return to Him, and in arrogant defiance rise up in this spirit (mistaken for the Holy Spirit) and proclaim victory and project bigger and better to satisfy their own agenda not God’s.

" Pride goes before a fall and a haughty spirit before destruction”, so said King Solomon thousands of years ago, a message from God which has proven to be true.

Like the Nation of Israel and the United States, we have a tendency in times of crisis to turn to God in prayer, but fail to humble ourselves and turn from our wicked ways. Before long we take pride in our self-sufficiency and continue in our wicked ways without any repentance. In such perilous times  we need to turn to God, as prescribed in  2 Chronicles 7:14.

 “ if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

I will continue with the topic of pride and humility and its effect on our emotional wellness and spiritual health in my next post.

Until next time

Blessings!

Pastor Harold.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS- Reader responds to "Bullying Series".

My December Post will be about how Pride and Humility affects the Spiritual Health and Emotional Wellness of individuals and the nation.

Today I am sharing this story from a follower of my blog. Maybe you have a similar story you would like to share with me.

READER RESPONDS TO BULLYING SERIES WITH A BITTER/SWEET STORY

She STOOD UP TO HER BULLY AND THE ORGANISATION. Although she won the case there was Permanent damage to her career. Eventually the boss was terminated of his position

"just read your bullying latest.... i was a victim of this type of bullying/harassment and had to actually walk out of my job two years ago. My boss and two members of the board of directors fit the Jekyll and Hyde statements you made. Fortunately I documented everything that occurred in the four years i was employed there and was able to successfully win an harassment case. Unfortunately my career was cut short, the compensation received was only for three months salary and the staff and board continued on. I often had to relive my times at the place of employment as the harassment case was fought. It has ruined my career and thrust me into early retirement. Eventually the boss was terminated of his position. When reading your latest update today, confirmed that I was subject to this. I would love to advocate for anyone going through the same and hopefully one day I can help someone in a similar situation.

I wish you all the best in this ministry you are doing!"

I hope this will encourage someone going through this type of an experience. If you would like this person to an advocate for you, just contact me and I will connect you.

Until next time

Blessings!

Pastor H

Bullying by Clergy-EPILOGUE

A friend of mine was instructing water safety at a summer camp. He was supposed to demonstrate the proper way to get into a canoe. In the process of getting into the canoe he capsized it. Recovering from the embarrassing ordeal he said to the laughing onlookers, “Now that is how not to get into a canoe.”

As an epilogue to my series on bullying by clergy, I decided to leave you with a case history of “How Not to Deal with a Bullying Complaint.” It is based on a real incident so I will give concise facts.

1.       Complaint is filed in accordance with employment policy.

2.       The accusation is about acts of bullying and harassment against the employer experienced and witnessed by the complainant.

3.       The Board of Directors strike a committee of the Board to deal with the complaint.

4.       No policy in place to deal with a complaint of this nature so a higher authority is consulted on how to proceed.

5.       A meeting is called and the complainant and the accused are invited to appear before the committee. The accused decided not to appear and briefed the committee of his decision before the meeting.

6.       The meeting proceeded and the complaint was presented.

7.       At the conclusion of the meeting the complainant requested protection because he was a whistle blower against his employee. (Request was not granted).

8.       The accused responded to the written complaint with an email.

9.       The complainant requested an opportunity to respond to the email in person. (Request was denied).

10.   The accused remained in his position during the investigation of the complaint. The complainant was required to work under his authority.

11.   The accused was in direct contact with the committee during the investigation.

12.   The accused contacted people who were party to the complaint and questioned them on the matter. One person was requested to write the Board of Directors in his support.

13.   The committee issued a letter concerning their findings during their investigation.

14.   The Complainant met with the chair to receive the findings. Objections were raised concerning the process and certain contents of the letter. No opportunity was given to express these concerns to the Board of Directors and a formal request was not honored. No action was taken against the accused.

15.   The complainant decided not to appeal. The issue remained unresolved.

AFTERMAT.

Within 4-10 months after the complaint was filed the department that was headed by the complainant was abolished. Two of the employees implicated in the complaint as victims were let go. The other party, who resigned in the process, withdrew the resignation, wrote a letter to the board of directors in support of the employer and is still employed. The action was initiated by the accused and it appears to have the approval of the Board of Directors and their Superior Officers in the organization. What’s wrong with this picture?????? Post your comment.

WHAT A TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE!!!!!

Maybe someone would like to email me a policy on how to deal with a complaint of bullying the right way. I will be glad to forward it to this particular organization which desperately needs direction in this type of a matter.

Pastor H

SPIRITUAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS - Bullying by CLERGY Part 3.

Ted Williams said, “All you can do is all you can do, but all you can do is enough.” I have done all I can do to at this time to raise public awareness through my blog posts, on the subject of, “ Bullying in the Church by Clergy,” I hope it is enough to make a difference. In researching and from responses I have received, I have learned not only is this type of behavior widespread, it is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to injustices that are carried on in churches and in denominational circles. It is appalling!  Should anyone in Church Leadership be reading these articles, I appeal to you to take responsibility and give the type of leadership that will stop the bully from filling a pulpit. Do not allow this type of person to navigate the system with ease leaving in their wake a line of casualties.

Danni Moss in her blog: “Because It Matters”, in her article, “Is Your Pastor A Serial Bully?”, gives this description of a serial bully. I was alerted to this by a reader and decided to share it in my final part on Bullying by Clergy. 

The serial bully:

• is a *convincing,* *practised liar* and when called to account,
  will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
• has a *Jekyll and Hyde nature* – is vile, vicious and vindictive
  in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses;
  no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive
  nature – only the current target of the serial bully’s aggression
  sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as “charming”
  and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a
  tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as “evil”; Hyde is
  the real person, Jekyll is an act
• excels at *deception* and should never be underestimated in their
  capacity to deceive
• uses excessive *charm* and is always plausible and convincing when
  peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to
  deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)
• is *glib, shallow and superficial* with plenty of fine words and
  lots of form – but there’s no substance
• is possessed of an *exceptional verbal facility* and will
  outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at
  times of conflict
• is often described as *smooth*, *slippery, slimy, ingratiating,
  fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic*
• relies on *mimicry, repetition* and *regurgitation* to convince
  others that he or she is both a “normal” human being and a tough
  dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest
  management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon
• is unusually skilled in *being able to anticipate what people want
  to hear* and then saying it plausibly
• *cannot be trusted or relied upon*
• *fails to fulfil commitments*
• is *emotionally retarded* with an *arrested level of emotional
  development*; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that
  of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
• is *emotionally immature* and *emotionally untrustworthy*
• exhibits *unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters,
  sexual behaviour and bodily functions*; underneath the charming
  exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination
  and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual
  inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse
• in a relationship, is *incapable of initiating or sustaining
  intimacy*
• *holds deep prejudices* (eg against the opposite gender, people of
  a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious
  beliefs, foreigners, etc – prejudiced people are unvaryingly
  unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial
  aspect of their personality secret
• is *self-opinionated* and displays *arrogance*, *audacity, a
  superior sense of entitlement* and sense of *invulnerability* and
  *untouchability*
• has a deep-seated *contempt of clients* in contrast to his or her
  professed compassion
• is a *control freak* and has a *compulsive need to control*
  everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for
  example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to
  restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking
  knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial
  personality disorder
  in their presence -
  but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually
  unknowledgeably) about anything they choose; serial bullies
  despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception
  and their mask of sanity
• displays a *compulsive need to criticise* whilst simultaneously
  *refusing to value*, praise and acknowledge others, their
  achievements, or their existence
• *shows a lack of joined-up thinking* with conversation that
  doesn’t flow and arguments that don’t hold water
• *flits from topic to topic* so that you come away feeling you’ve
  never had a proper conversation
• *refuses to be specific* and *never gives a straight answer*
• is *evasive* and has a Houdini-like ability to *escape
  accountability*
• *undermines* and *destroys* anyone who the bully perceives to be
  an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the
  bully’s mask
• is *adept at creating conflict *between those who would otherwise
  collate incriminating information about them
• is *quick to discredit and neutralise* anyone who can talk
  knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors
• may pursue a *vindictive vendetta* against anyone who dares to
  hold them accountable, perhaps using others’ resources and
  contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and
  organisations in pursuance of the vendetta
• is also *quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit*
  anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to
  account
• *gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to*
• is *highly manipulative*, especially of people’s perceptions and
  emotions (eg guilt)
• *poisons peoples’ minds* by manipulating their perceptions
• when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of
  others, responds with *impatience, irritability and aggression*
• *is arrogant, haughty, high-handed*, and *a know-all*
• often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic
  *attention-seeking
  need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and
  compassionate person*, in contrast to their behaviour and
  treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their
  behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy
  between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
• is *spiritually dead* although may loudly profess some religious
  belief or affiliation
• is *mean-spirited*, *officious*, and often *unbelievably petty*
• is *mean, stingy*, and *financially untrustworthy*
• is *greedy, selfish, *a *parasite *and an *emotional vampire*
• is *always a taker *and *never a giver* [Note from Danni: On this one I would say, never a giver unless there is a hidden motive of manipulation to gain.]
• is convinced of their *superiority* and has an *overbearing belief
  in their qualities of leadership* but cannot distinguish between
  leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation,
  trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness,
  aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)
• often *fraudulently claims* qualifications, experience, titles,
  entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or
  bogus
• often *misses the semantic meaning of language*, misinterprets
  what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a
  satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
• *knows the words but not the song*
• is *constantly imposing on others a false reality* made up of
  distortion and fabrication
• sometimes *displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy*
  especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion
  of accountability and is often a *committeeaholic* or apparent
  *workaholic*

A serial bully may also have the personality of a sociopath. I have had the unpleasant experience of witnessing this type of personality and behavior in action. The damage done to innocent people is heartbreaking. Please take a stand against it. For more information on the characteristics of a Sociopath I recommend these links.http://www.ehow.com/how_6781398_tell-someone-sociopath.html.http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

 

Blessings!

Until Next Time,

Pastor Harold