In preparation for a retreat at Gander NL in May, I have
been reading and researching the subject of “relationships”. These are the
three dynamics that I believe affect relationship matters: 1. Personality. 2.
Perspective. 3. Protection. Personality is about “being”, (who we are).
Perspective is about “seeing”, (our point of view) and Protection is about
“doing”, (taking action). In this blog I am writing about who we are, our
personality and how it is a factor in our relationships.
Dan Montgomery in his work, Compass Therapy, charts the
personality by using four points on a compass. The acronym LAWS is used. L- Love,
A- assertion, W- weakness, S- strength.
When all four are in balance it creates a rhythm for a healthy
personality. Unlike Jesus of Nazareth, who is the only one who inhabited this
earth with a perfect personality, we struggle. We can find ourselves stuck on
one or more of the compass points.
Montgomery points out the tension that exists with the
“LAWS” of personality. Love verses Assertion, Weakness verses Strength. One is not better than the other, the key is
balance. For example a person with a
healthy personality can be tender and caring as well as diplomatically
assertive. S/He can be competent and confidently strong as well as humbly aware
of his or her weakness. The degree to which these characteristics or “LAWS” of
personality are out of balance determines a person’s maladaptive trends. Taken
to the extreme it can result in disorders at best and psychoses at worst.
Let’s take as the first point on the compass- Love.
Love reflects a person’s caring and tenderness as seen in
kindness, thoughtfulness, consideration of others, forgiving, compassionate and
sacrificing. However, a healthy personality must also include assertion. A
person has a need to express one’s point of view, the responsibility to
challenge injustice, unfairness, exploitation, manipulation, bullying and the
like. Diplomatic assertion preserves reasonable rights, solicits mature coping
skills and can contribute to successful conflict resolution.
To be stuck on the love compass point and out of balance
with assertion will produce a pleaser pattern.
Montgomery says, “The pleaser pattern exaggerates the need for love and
approval at the expense of self-expression”.
The virtues of love can be caring, nurturing and forgiving,
but without assertiveness it can turn into a maladaptive trend of dependency
exhibited by pleasing and placating. Unaddressed it can result in a dependent
histrionic disorder and develop into state of depression .
Next time we will look at " A"-ssertion.
Until next time,
Blessings!
Pastor Harold
